First off, I have to give credit for the title of this blog to my new friend, whereshappy at She used it to write about dental woes and I cannot think of a better title! My thought exactly, girl! Hope you don’t mind the borrow!

Usually, I look something like this:


You know, content.

But this week, I look like this:


and WHY? Because of the effin’ dentists.

Are there ANY really, truly good dentists in the world? Yeah, yeah, I know you guys have gone to really nice ones, but you might not have the evil minions in your mouth that I do, teeth that were born to torture me and have been doing so for more years than I’m willing to say.

I have had my share–and probably 12 other people’s share–of cavities, root canals, crowns, aches, infections, extractions…and it looks like we’re not done yet. WHAT THE FUCK teeth? WTF?

Don’t I treat you well? Buy new toothbrushes when I’m supposed to? Good toothpaste? Floss? Don’t I cook my carrots so you won’t have to work too hard? I don’t drink much soda, nor chomp on raisins (the two worst foods for teeth, didja know that?). I hardly ever try to open stubborn caps with you.

And yet, you hate me. You do everything you can to literally leave my mouth, your home, and you’re succeeding! As of this writing, I only have 22 of you left, and one more is leaving on Monday.

I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to have more than 21 teeth in our heads! (I also have two caps, one of which is on the block for going, too.)


SO, here’s all I want to say: NEARLY EVERY DENTIST I’VE EVER GONE TO IS AN ASSHOLE. They know they’re going to hurt you and they don’t care, because they are convinced they’re actually helping you. FUCK OFF EVIL DOERS. Don’t insist on giving me a root canal in a tooth that doesn’t hurt, b/c eventually, you’ll have to pull that tooth anyway. You KNOW it. The worst dentist I ever went to–this past November–literally CAUSED all the problems I’m having now. Yes, caused them, b/c there was no pain in the tooth before and now, well, it’s been the focal point of my life for months and who the hell needs that? That’s you Taraz Motamedi in Delanco, NJ. I’m callin’ you out because of what you did. Because I asked you to look again and talk about it before doing anything because I was having NO PROBLEM other than a chip…and you said “OKAY, open your mouth” and I DID, and you stuck me with a needle and said “you need a root canal.” You took away my choice, you bullied me, you complained the WHOLE time that it was a “tough” one and now I know why: because you SUCK. And now, mere months later, this tooth is a mess and when an oral surgeon tried to pull it out the other day, we had to stop b/c it hurt TOO MUCH…and now I’m on antibiotics b/c YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE…and have to go to another oral surgeon on Monday to get this friggin’ tooth extracted.

And it will HURT–the needles, the pulling, the after effects that may last for WEEKS. The dentist told me there’s a good chance of me ending up with the dreaded “dry socket” which makes HER AN ASSHOLE too b/c why tell me that now? What can I do about that? Nothing. Now, I’m even more afraid and Monday will be the Monday of all Mondays.

I want to live, I say, not be knee-deep in dental hell. I don’t want to even think about my effing teeth because in truth, I don’t think they think of me. If they did, they’d be nicer.

So here’s to all of us who suffer with dental problems. Yes, I know they’re not as bad as other problems, not even close. But when you have a big lump of OUCH in your jaw because a stupid dentist stuck a big needle in there and it swelled up like a golf ball with “oh that’s just the liquid” and you have an extraction on Monday and you KNOW that you might not get numb enough…well, it’s a big enough problem to grouse about and that’s why having a blog sometimes is better–and cheaper–than therapy.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now here’s a picture of an elephant, because…elephants.


HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE…and try not to think about Monday, because…monday.


5 thoughts on “BITE ME!

  1. Raisins? Anyway, sorry about laughing in the face (or mouth) of your pain. I am having a crown replaced on Tuesday because the dentist I had last year put in the wrong size – and wrong color! – crown, causing swelling and soreness, which I complained about for months. Possible infection in my jaw and taking antis just in case before new dentist replaces it. Best part: Insurance doesn’t want to pay for another crown so soon. Love it.

  2. Dental pain is one of the worst pain one can endure. I can so relate to your current woes. As a child, my mom would send all of her six children to the “free” dentists. I had one who drilled my gum. When I told him he had done that he said he didn’t and I was just being a baby. When I spit the blood out and asked him where that came from he told me to shut up and open my mouth. I refused. He instilled a fear of dentists in me and it took until I reached my forties for me to be able to relax in a dental chair.
    I was one of those children who would have been a candidate for ear tubes had they been invented during my childhood. I had near constant ear infections, swimmers ear and the like. In those days, the only antobiotic available was penicillan. That erodes tooth enamel, the protective layer preventing cavities from forming. Not that I knew that then. As a teen, I was a huge gum chewer, not a great idea to have all that sugar sitting on unenameled teeth between brushings. At 16 the dentist told me I had 32 cavities. WTH, do I even have 32 teeth? NO, 28!! He told me I’d have dentures by the time I was 25. Yeah right…..I spent the next two years going to the dental college every week to fill them.
    Dentists have “practices” just like other doctors. They’re all practicing to be better docs…..or not. I too have had more than my fair share of the bad practicers!

    • I feel your pain, friend! Thanks for reading…I had a shitload of cavities when I was little, too…that’s why all my teeth need root canals, they drilled the hell out of our teeth and put in poison! I’m recovering now and afraid to go back to see what’s happening under the crown that yet another asshole “re-treated” recently (didn’t change a thing) that now ANOTHER asshole said is separated from the gum which means it’s probably got decay underneath–the VERY reason I lost the crown/tooth adjacent to it last year. And so it goes for some of us…do you have dentures? I think they wouldn’t be so bad!!

  3. Am I the only one who has a doctor that not only goes out of his way to make sure that I don’t feel any pain, but works with me financially to pay off my dental bills on time since I don’t have a dental plan. I am so sorry that you experienced this nightmare, Patti and I hope Monday’s visit will end your pain. I have friends that went with dentures because they were unfortunate enough to inherit bad teeth. Love you, kiddo

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