I was sitting in a Starbucks yesterday drinking my half-priced Mocha Frap and editing a client’s manuscript when I realized something: there are a whole lotta different kinds of butts in the world.
Now, before you think I’m a weirdo, I will tell you that I look around a lot while I’m working: somehow, it keeps me focused on the task at hand. Maybe it gives my recently concussed brain a rest, who knows? But I look at everyone, and at what they’re wearing and think about how I could help them look a little better with a few wardrobe suggestions. I’ve even thought of opening a business. I could set up a table—or even just a chair—at a fair, or outside the mall, and for just one dollar, I can tell you what you should/should not be doing to dress for your body. Not that I’m perfect, but I do have excellent observational skills; I am a reporter, after all. And I see instantly the mistakes people make and know what they can do to fix them and so, look as good as they can look! But I digress.
From the teeny-weeny to the large and lumpy, there are, seriously, a million different types of buttocks out there, and most of them are covered inappropriately. Everyone who walked into the very crowded shop (it’s ½ priced Frappucino afternoons at The Starbs) had a different “look” and I couldn’t help but notice that most of them were not perfect, not even close.
So, I had to ask myself: how the hell did we end up with one idea of what an ass should look like?
American women loathe their hind quarters because we, for the most part, do not possess perky, tight little tushies, especially after a certain age. Yes, I did see a few that qualified, and they were, for the most part, attached to teenagers. Just when did we all agree that that’s the only good kind to have? I mean, really, if like one percent of the population has something, shouldn’t THAT be considered weird? Because the truth is that most people don’t have those magazine-model derrieres, which makes the ones who do the weirdos. WE…the owners of the less-than-perfect booties, booties that we hate and wish we could cut off, booties that have caused us so much self-loathing as to make us all depressed as bathing suit season arrives…WE are the normal ones. We have the “normal” hineys; those tiny fit-into-a-size-two-bikini-bottoms are, then, “abnormal” and should be shunned.
Seriously, the time has come to stand up for the usual, the norm, the average: butts are, for the most part, not perfect. And most will never be, even with all the exercise in the world.
I blame men. That’s right—the judges, sitting in their beach chairs with their hairy bellies out for all to see, rating every woman who walks by. Fifty-year-old bald guys, hooting at girls young enough to be their daughters.
Do you see women doing that? No. Once in a while, someone will point out an extraordinary body and we’ll all look and admire it. But we do NOT give number scores to every poor schmuck who walks by. Live and let live, we say.
Interestingly, the girls with the good butts I saw were wearing shirts/jackets that partially covered their butts, while the big and bigger were letting their Big Booties fly. Which is great, but makes me offer this advice:
- Tight, colored skinny jeans are not for everyone. They are for young, thin humans under the age of, let’s say, 35. If you are not young and thin, don’t wear them. Just don’t.
- The standard suggestion to wear dark bottoms with brighter tops still holds. Don’t wear a form-fitting black shirt that only goes to the waistband of your white jeans if you are bigger on the bottom than the top. You can’t see yourself well from the back, so I will tell you honestly, it does not look good. There are so many other ways to dress for your body!
- And just as bad as “too tight” is “too loose.” I know how hard it is to find jeans that fit; but if you can, get them tailored to your body. That’s what the stars do, and they always look good. If you have an extra large, wiggly butt as well as large, jiggly boobs (yes, I saw you), DON’T wear jersey. And DO wear a bra. Really, you get attention with all that movement, but not the kind you want.
America: it’s time to embrace our butts, whatever size or shape they may be, and dress them lovingly. Try not to look at the abnormal asses of the young and small; instead, start celebrating the crazy big butts of the general populace! You may even want to hoot at a few on the beach this summer.
As for me, my “healthy” Italian bottom will be covered on the beach because I am no longer the girl who walked back and forth in front of the adoring eyes of the life guards. Maybe, someday, I will act in support of my own words…but I’m not that woman yet. Still, it was nice to see that I wasn’t the only woman in Starbucks today with a less-than-wonderful “behind” as my family called it.
In fact, there was a man who seemed to like what he saw as I got up to leave. Like I always say, next time, I’m comin’ back black.